Who will they be at age 10? Age 18? Age 25? I’m not talking about what interests they will pursue or activities they will engage in, but rather the kind of people they will become.

If we can’t see who they are to become, we will lack the clarity needed to equip them for real success in life.

My wife and I have asked this question when we have led parenting workshops. Often, the responses have to do with what they want their kids to have accomplished at some point in the future. The mistake is that they desire external outcomes, rather than internal character and intellectual attributes.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to position your kids to receive scholarships or land respectable and high paying jobs. But are those targets truly most important to you? Or do you want them to be men and women of exceptional character with a passion for serving and a hunger to learn?

Have you taken the time to really think it through?

Set targets for your kids, and you will gain the clarity and courage required to raise up adults of conviction, confidence, and character.

If you can see the target, you know where to aim.

Our family has spent the past week at a remote surf spot in mainland Mexico. Traveling with just the 6 of us is not the norm, as we usually end up bringing other family or friends. But this vacation had to be different.

The purpose of this vacation is to give us a time of deeper connection as a family before we release Dylan to the land down under. He will be heading for a wonderful adventure that will include some schooling, surfing, alone time, community service, and outreach in a third world country after his time in Australia. It should be a powerful experience for him.

Sheri and I were fortunate to have been mentored over the years by older friends, authors, and expert teachers on the topic of parenting. One of the key things that we heard when our kids were young is that we needed to begin the process of releasing them from the moment they were placed in our arms.

We release our kids bit by bit. As they mature from childhood to adolescence to adulthood, we give them more rope. As they prove themselves responsible, we add a bit more rope until eventually, we let go altogether. They will still make mistakes, and it may be tempting to grab hold of them again, but we must trust that they are responsible for making decisions for themselves.

Our job as parents is to love them, nurture them, teach them, and equip them…so that we can release them. When they are ready, we send them into the world prepared to apply their gifts and to impact those they come across in their journey.

Even though I have known this since the beginning, the release has been challenging. Exciting and challenging.

My reason for sharing this with you could be partly therapeutic for me, but my hope is that it encourages those of you who are parents, especially with younger kids. Set your target for your kids, help them to identify their passions and gifts, fan the flame, pour into them and prepare them. While you’re at it, prepare yourself too.

The release will come sooner than you think!

This is a parenting issue.

Just a few weeks ago, my wife Sheri and I had the privilege of leading a parenting workshop at the Building Champions Experience. We called the presentation, “Are you Raising Kids or Growing Adults?” I think the question is worth pondering.

We began the session by letting all of our attendees know that we are NOT trained parenting experts. We do, however, have some years of experiences and observations. We are two people who really enjoy being parents and have been blessed with four great kids ranging in age from 7 to 20. Not only are we parents, but we have taught Sunday School classes for years and have intentionally made our home a gathering place for kids of all ages in our community.

The session was filled with some great Q & A. We also shared our Guiding Principles for growing adults.

1. Train them up in the way they should go.
2. Keep a long term perspective. Have a target for them.
3. If you are married, make your marriage your priority and make it rock!
4. Be consistent and unified as a couple.
5. Be present and engaged. They can read your heart.
6. Respect is theirs to lose — let them see and know this.
7. Allow consequences to teach, don’t handicap them.
8. Don’t delegate training them up. You must own this.
9. Talk to your teens as if they were adults, and more importantly, listen to them.
10. Your kids are not your report card. Don’t worry about what the “Joneses” think.
11. Think before you respond to avoid the little battles and maintain a healthy relationship.
12. They are watching you. Your actions will teach them more than your words.
13. Love them no matter what!

Sheri and I unpacked each of the above points during our session. My hope is that they are clear enough to add value just as they are, but I would love to hear your thoughts or to answer any questions you might have.

For me, being a dad has been one of the greatest highlights in my life. Parenting has truly become more enjoyable each and every year. I’ve learned that we don’t need to fear the seasons ahead, but instead we should be intentional in our parenting with a clear target in sight.

My challenge for you business professionals who are mothers and fathers is to improve your skills. Spend at least 25% of the time you spend developing your professional skills in developing yourself as a parent. The ROI will be immeasurable!

To Growing Adults,

I’m not alone in this, either.  Many times at the beach, on the mountain, or in the streets you will find my colleagues and their kids right there with me.  Coach Barry Engelman has recently taken up snowboarding with his boys, and he also surfs with me from time to time.  Coach Steve Scanlon can often be found skating in local parking garages at 11pm, or at Mount Hood boarding with his kids.

Anyhow, our immature hobbies are not the point of this post.

So what is my point?  That I hang out with boys in men’s bodies?  Maybe so, but I believe that there is some life-giving magic to be found in playing outdoors at any age.

One mentor in my life is my great uncle, Chuck Heller.  Chuck was a very successful business owner in his day.  When I first started in business some 25 years ago, I asked him for his take on what had made him successful.  He shared a great deal with me, but the thing that really stuck with me was how he took care of himself physically, and how he played.  Chuck came home for lunch every day to swim laps, eat a healthy meal, and take a short nap.  He said this helped him mentally as well as physically.  He is 94 years old now, and still plays tennis at least 5 days a week!

I’d like to encourage you to take care of yourself this year.  Pick one health discipline to improve upon.  Do you need to work on eating better quality foods, or smaller portions?  Will you commit to exercising at lunchtime for 30 minutes a day, 4 days a week?  Have you been thinking about trying a new hobby, or finally dusting off the clubs, racket, glove, or board and getting out there to play once a week?

To keep playing like kids, we must be very intentional with how we care for ourselves.  This year, pick one aspect of your health account to improve upon.  Then, incorporate some play into your Life Plan and your calendar this year.  Not only will this allow you to make the most out of every day right now, but you’ll reap the benefits for years to come.

Do this, and you may receive one more wonderful gift:  when you play like a kid, you get to do this stuff alongside your kids!

I hope to see you on the mountain this weekend,

After an hour and a half, he left, and one of my sons came by.  He is 17, and is finishing up his senior year with some classes at our local community college.  The purpose of our one on one time was to connect and take a look at his plan for the next quarter.  It was an opportunity for me to listen to him and to connect at a deeper level.  I was able to pour into him.

The reason I wanted to share with you about my morning is to challenge you to think about how you will spend your time this year. 

Are you proactively scheduling one on one time with those you care for most?

One on one time is the absolute best way for people to connect, to experience intimacy, to build trust, to share life, to love and support one another, to challenge each other, to affirm each other and to show those around us how much they mean to us.  With our busy schedules, this can be quite challenging, but it is worth it.  I have learned — by observing those who are further down the path than I am — that those who do this tend to have the deepest and the best relationships.

Many of you are already busily filling in the vacant slots on your calendar for this month or even the entire year, and this is one discipline that will pay huge dividends.   These one on one times (or dates, as we call them in our home) should be scheduled first before other things get in the way.

Look at your Life Plan, and make sure your key accounts include the discipline of one on one time with those who are the most important in your life — your spouse, your kids, your close friends, your extended family members.  Then make room in your calendar, and invite them to meet with you.  Make this a non-negotiable discipline so that it becomes a way of life for you.

I know many of you already do this, and do even more to make the time rich and meaningful.  I could learn from you!  Others may want to make this a priority, but don’t know where to begin.  It starts with one date.

I hope this helps you and those you care for,

We are so very grateful for the dynamics in our home.  Our three teens are truly each other’s best friends, and they all run in one big pack of kids who range in age from 14 to 20.  As a result, our house has become base camp for many of our kids’ friends.

Over the years, Sheri and I have been asked numerous times about how we talk to teenagers.  Now, I want to give one disclaimer right from the start:  we DON’T have it all figured out.  But what we do have are some incredible kids who are pretty open and comfortable talking to us about everything from their dreams and fears to the entire range of peer pressures.

We have also taught teenagers in Sunday school for many years, and have enjoyed walking by their sides during these years.  Many of these kids have shared how hard it is for them to really talk with their parents.  And many parents have said to us, “we just don’t know how to speak teenager.”

If you are a parent who is learning to speak to your teens, or you want to be prepared when your youngsters become teens, my hope is that the following tips will help you.

Tip 1:  Show them you will love them no matter what they do or say.  Your kids have to know that there is nothing they can do that will cause you to stop loving them. This gets communicated continually over time by your words and actions.

Tip 2:  Be consistent.  Your kids need to know who is coming home at the end of the day.  Many kids find it difficult to have real transparent and meaningful conversations if you are moody, silent or hot tempered.  Don’t make them guess whether they’ll be talking to Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde.

Tip 3:  If you have younger kids, start having open and transparent conversations with them now. If you don’t talk to them about real and meaningful things when they are younger, they won’t know how to talk to you about them when they are older.

Tip 4:  Be real with them.  Too many parents fail to tell their kids about their own mistakes.  This causes their children to believe that their parents are perfect, and would never understand what they are dealing with.  Don’t buy the lie that if you tell them you stole, lied, partied, etc… that they will imitate your mistakes.  The key is to let them know how you suffered consequences as a result, and that you want them to avoid these pains.  Be discerning in how and when you tell them about your own challenges as kids, but do tell them.

Tip 5:  Have no fear.  Just enter in and ask your kids what you want to ask them.  Don’t be afraid that they will not want to answer.  Ask them very specific open-ended questions.  Then be present and listen.  Work to understand what they are going through and DON’T react and come down on them if you don’t like the answers.  Then work to identify the underlying heart issues before trying to just change a behavior you might not like.

Tip 6:  Be proactive and intentional with talking to, texting, emailing and dating them.  Schedule daily talk time with them.  Be relentless in reaching out and communicating with them.  I am not suggesting that you smother them or hold them back.  I am saying that you need to pursue them if you are finding communicating with them a challenge.  Dating our kids on a regular basis when they were younger paved the way for comfortable one-on-one time with open dialog as they became teens.

I think the Nike mantra is appropriate for all of us parents of teens with the desire to engage in real and meaningful conversation with them:  Just do it!