When families intentionally develop “their ways” of being a family early on, they tend to experience greater levels of family health and bonding. I have observed this over the years with countless stand-out families and have adopted much of what I have learned from others over the years. I am in no way an expert, just a guy who is incredibly passionate about serving and leading a solid and loving family.

10 Traditions to Create More Family Connection

1. Family dinners. Fight for them! This may mean saying no to that second or third extracurricular activity that one of your kids wants to be involved with. The dinner table is where most families experience relationship, and too many are giving this tradition away to the third sport or worse yet, to dinner with the TV on.

2. Playing “Low-High” at dinner. All members of the family share their low of the day and their high. All focus in and listen. Ban phones from the dinner table as well.

3. Annual camping trips or vacations to the same place. Families come to really connect when out of their norm but still at their outdoor home away from home.

4. Weekly or Monthly dates. This is essential for healthy marriages and wonderful to really connect with your kids. My wife Sheri and I spoke to a group of young married couples last month and one gal asked what they should do if they don’t have the money for nice dates. We told her some of our best dates are picnics on the river or the beach. It’s not about where you go, it’s about going! Sheri and I have really enjoyed Monday lunch dates as well. And date your kids, too. Take them where they want to go, not where you want to go. These can be some really special times that your kids will never forget.

5. Saying “I love you” whenever you leave.   I know many of you do this but some do not. Don’t just assume they know. Make sure they always know.

6. Floating Birthdays and Anniversaries.   We have never worked on our family members’ birthdays or our anniversary. We focus on the birthday person all day long. This means we float from place to place as the celebrated one chooses. We were all together yesterday for my daughter’s 21st and it was a blast! The same goes for anniversaries. I believe this day to be one of the most sacred of the year.

7. Man Cook. I had a client for years and learned this one from him. He and his son would cook one meal per week for the ladies in their family. He shared some great stories and memories that came from this.

8. Saturday Donuts. One of my colleagues here at Building Champions took his daughter for a donut date every Saturday. This was a great time for the two of them to connect weekly.

9. SHMILY notes. I read a great story of a couple that always left love notes for each other in all sorts of inconspicuous places. We have been doing this for years and I love finding these little notes tucked in my clothes when I travel. SHMILY: See How Much I Love You.

10. Pray together. I believe in prayer and think it is one of the most valuable things I can do with my family. So for us Harks, this means me praying with my bride and kids daily.

What are some of the traditions that make your family unique?

Who will they be at age 10? Age 18? Age 25? I’m not talking about what interests they will pursue or activities they will engage in, but rather the kind of people they will become.

If we can’t see who they are to become, we will lack the clarity needed to equip them for real success in life.

My wife and I have asked this question when we have led parenting workshops. Often, the responses have to do with what they want their kids to have accomplished at some point in the future. The mistake is that they desire external outcomes, rather than internal character and intellectual attributes.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to position your kids to receive scholarships or land respectable and high paying jobs. But are those targets truly most important to you? Or do you want them to be men and women of exceptional character with a passion for serving and a hunger to learn?

Have you taken the time to really think it through?

Set targets for your kids, and you will gain the clarity and courage required to raise up adults of conviction, confidence, and character.

If you can see the target, you know where to aim.

I am writing this from one of the most beautiful locations I have ever been to. I am at Malibu, which is a Young Life Camp located in Canada in a narrow fjord called Princess Louisa Inlet. The first picture included here shows the beauty of this place. The other is my inspiration for this post.

On Monday, I arrived here with my son Wesley and about 50 young people from our church. We are here to serve the families of US military who have recently returned from deployment in Afghanistan or Iraq. Some have only been back in the states for a few weeks, and this is the first real down time they have had with their wives, husbands and kids.

Re-entry can be very difficult, and my role has been to serve as a small group leader with a few couples. It has been truly rich and wonderful.

Prior to this week, I had no real understanding of the price these young heroic families pay for my freedom. I am embarrassed to admit that I have spent most of my adult life taking them for granted. Nor did I know how I could ever repay them for their service.

Today, I cannot say that I fully grasp the extent of their sacrifice…but I believe I have greater insight as to how we can better serve them. These young husbands and wives need the opportunity to truly unplug together and get reacquainted with each other.

Up here at Malibu, none have cell phone coverage and just a few are granted limited access to the net. There is nothing for them to do other than listen to some very insightful messages, play with each other, and connect. They have time set aside every day when their kids are well cared for and these couples get to hike, boat, eat, nap and just be together.

I have asked several of them what those of us in their communities can do to best help them after they return from war. They said we can help them to connect with each other.

I know that few of you will have the opportunity to invest a week up here at Malibu, but if you know a military family in your community, you can offer to babysit their kids for a night or a weekend. Perhaps you own a timeshare or a vacation home you could offer for a few days. Maybe you could treat them to a gift certificate for a nice dinner out.

One of our soldiers who served in Iraq three times said that having someone else pick up the tab at a restaurant blesses him immensely. And they all appreciate a heartfelt handshake and thank you.

I would like to say thanks to those of you who have served our country, or have family members who have served. Your sacrifice is meaningful and so appreciated!

When Dave told me about it a few months ago, I did not think I would be able to make the trip. I have been away so much this year… I am just too busy…There is too much going on right now…It’s too long of a drive… These thoughts kept me from committing, until about two weeks ago. Then the bug bit.

I decided to call more of my old friends from decades past to see if I could rally them. My plan was to recreate a summer day from the early 80s, but better, because we would include some of our kids.

This trip was not in my Life Plan. It was not on my annual fold out calendar. The week wasn’t even clear on my calendar, and I knew it would require some creativity and had work from my dedicated assistant.

I knew there would be a cost to make it happen. But I also knew I just had to.

More than 20 of us, kids included, had a wonderful week filled with surf, food, and fun. We shared stories from the past and from our present. It was a once in a lifetime kind of trip.

After a few memorable days in San Onofre, my two sons and my daughter’s boyfriend packed up the car and we drove up the coast. We camped and surfed at some beautiful spots. We talked about what they observed as they watched us old guys share our stories, and there were some great lessons learned. Better still was the opportunity to connect with these three wonderful young men as I shared some of my life’s experiences with them.

The picture above is a shot of me with my sons, Dylan and Wesley, and our friend Austin. It was taken at a place just outside of Santa Barbara where I caught my first wave some 31 years ago. Moments after the picture was taken, my younger son caught his first real wave in that very spot with his dad, brother and friend hooting and cheering him on.

More connection and memories made. An experience I wouldn’t trade for anything.

Sometimes you just have to. And when you do, you’ll never regret it.

One year ago, we also had the privilege of attending their younger son’s wedding. Greg and Dianna have two sons, and now in the last year they have gained two daughters. As Greg asked me the question, he was looking at my four kids who were standing behind us, engrossed in a conversation of their own.

My off-the-cuff response was, “Yeah, I think so.” I have been working hard and playing hard with them, and I think we are getting plenty of time together. But when I woke up this morning, I was still pondering Greg’s question. Am I spending enough time with my kids?

I must admit, I don’t actually know the answer. How much time is enough? Enough time for me to feel like a good father? Enough time so they know beyond the shadow of a doubt how much I love them? Enough time to impart what they need to learn from me to have the best chance of succeeding in life?

Greg asked me this question at a milestone in his life as a father. This was the last of his kids’ weddings. Now both sons have their brides, and Greg and his bride are truly empty nesters.

In that moment, Greg said to me, “It just goes by so fast.” He encouraged me to remember that at moments like this, it is not about what you accomplish at work; it is the quality of your relationships that matter most.

As I reflect on these words in the early morning light, I hear my four kids starting to stir. We have some mountain biking to do today. Thanks to Greg’s question, I also have some assessing to do. My challenge today is to be fully present during our hours together.

Are you spending enough time?

I think Greg’s question can be applied to any relationship in your life. Take a moment to ask yourself that question, and if your answer is “not enough,” don’t wait! Give them a call, set up a date, go home and play, or enjoy of cup of tea with this person — face to face, eye to eye, with no interruptions, today.

Thanks to Greg and Dianna for allowing us to share in this beautiful occasion. And Greg, thanks for caring enough to ask such an important question.

Taking the Long View from Building Champions on Vimeo.

My family and I spent the last three weeks sightseeing, learning, sunning and surfing our way through this amazing yet challenged country. We were so very fortunate to join my sister, her South African husband and their three wonderful kids on this trip. My brother-in-law Mark was a fantastic tour guide.

Our schedule was action packed. We saw penguins on the beach, visited the Apartheid Museum, hiked through beautiful mountains, went zip lining over rivers, and rode Ostriches. We went on game drives where we saw lions, rhinos, elephants, and wildebeests. We learned a lot about their broken governmental system.

And yes, I finally surfed my dream wave at Jeffrey’s Bay.

The trip was filled with early mornings and late nights as the eleven of us made our way from Cape Town on the Garden Route to the Cape of St. Francis, then up to Pretoria, and finally to the Madikwe Game Reserve.
And now, we six Harks are flying home after this once in a lifetime experience.

While we were there, Mark introduced us to his cousin Kyle. Kyle has built a business taking couples on nature and self realization sails through the waters of Brazil. When he heard of our schedule, he said we needed to fit in some “unstructured down time.” This is a concept that really resonates with our family.

We had planned a wonderful trip that filled us with fantastic memories and a first rate education on everything from the wild animals of Africa to the ramifications of Apartheid.

But it was not a vacation.

As many of you may know, my idea of a vacation usually includes a warm beach, good food, siestas, and lots of surf. South Africa was a new and different type of holiday for us. It was not the type that leaves you rested and rejuvenated. It was the type that leaves you amazed, educated, inspired, and grateful.

To those of you out there whose time away from work usually involves a jam-packed schedule, my advice is to plan for a restful vacation. Fill your days with unstructured down time. Sleep late, listen to the ocean, read a non-business book. Take a vacation, not a trip.

A real vacation can be so wonderful for your health, your family, and your soul. It can also provide you with great opportunities to reflect and create.

For those of you who usually vacation with nothing but unstructured down time, try mixing it up a bit. Go somewhere that is rich in history, beauty, and wonder. Spend time learning about a different culture, a different people, and a different geography. Challenge your assumptions and your way of thinking about the world. Go on a trip.

Trips and vacations are both so good for us.

Yesterday, I was sitting with the host of a Dutch B&B in a quant little village called Hartbeespoort. This man is probably in his 70’s, and has lived a rich life with time spent in several different countries. He said that we as a people have lost our sense of adventure, and traded it in for the desire to be safe and in control. He said we all need cold showers in our lives in order to wake us up and get us out of our routines.

As we enter our summer season here in the states, what kind of cold shower are you going to take? A trip or a vacation?

Either way, I highly recommend it for your overall well-being.

A special thanks to the Goodies for such a rich time!

“Cheers,” as they say in SA,

Daniel Harkavy January 21, 2010 Blog Post from Building Champions on Vimeo.

After an hour and a half, he left, and one of my sons came by.  He is 17, and is finishing up his senior year with some classes at our local community college.  The purpose of our one on one time was to connect and take a look at his plan for the next quarter.  It was an opportunity for me to listen to him and to connect at a deeper level.  I was able to pour into him.

The reason I wanted to share with you about my morning is to challenge you to think about how you will spend your time this year. 

Are you proactively scheduling one on one time with those you care for most?

One on one time is the absolute best way for people to connect, to experience intimacy, to build trust, to share life, to love and support one another, to challenge each other, to affirm each other and to show those around us how much they mean to us.  With our busy schedules, this can be quite challenging, but it is worth it.  I have learned — by observing those who are further down the path than I am — that those who do this tend to have the deepest and the best relationships.

Many of you are already busily filling in the vacant slots on your calendar for this month or even the entire year, and this is one discipline that will pay huge dividends.   These one on one times (or dates, as we call them in our home) should be scheduled first before other things get in the way.

Look at your Life Plan, and make sure your key accounts include the discipline of one on one time with those who are the most important in your life — your spouse, your kids, your close friends, your extended family members.  Then make room in your calendar, and invite them to meet with you.  Make this a non-negotiable discipline so that it becomes a way of life for you.

I know many of you already do this, and do even more to make the time rich and meaningful.  I could learn from you!  Others may want to make this a priority, but don’t know where to begin.  It starts with one date.

I hope this helps you and those you care for,

This moment could be a beautiful learning and growing opportunity for you and the culprit….or it could lead to a battle of enormous proportions.  You, the victim, confront the offender. 

They respond like this: 

 “Sorry!” 

You can’t believe they could be so callused.   They just added another stick of dynamite to the stack.  Their lack of sincere repentance was the second missile shot to your heart.  Hurt, you strike back, and the battle is on.

Extreme?  Maybe.  But unfortunately this scenario is all too real and all too common.

Compare this response to “I am sorry, will you please forgive me?”  Now you are being asked by the offender to take action and accept their apology.  By making this request, they have given you the chance to release them.  And they have shown that your forgiveness and your feelings are important to them. 

The beauty of it is that, when you choose to forgive them, you will both feel better.  It has the effect of salve on your wound.  “I am sorry” is much more powerful when paired with “Will you forgive me.”

Put this phrase into practice whenever you are the one who falls short or causes the damage.  Say you are sorry, and then sincerely ask for forgiveness.  By making this a standard in your communication arsenal, you will enjoy more health in your relationships and less hurt and bitterness in your life.

Thank you to my bride Sheri for making this a reality in our home!