I know this type very, very well.

Studies have shown that there is a correlating emotion for each behavioral style which emerges when that person is frustrated or challenged. For a High D, the emotion is anger.

In this session, my client shared that he feels some very real physical changes when he is being challenged or threatened. What he experienced has everything to do with Emotional Intelligence, or EQ.

The physical sensations he described are tunnel vision and tingling in the hands. Many people also feel shortness of breath, painful tension in the neck or back, and the inability to sit still.

We experience these physical dynamics in the heat of interpersonal battle because when we encounter stressful situations, certain hormones flood our system and impact which part of our brain does the thinking. Studies have shown that our primal thinking takes over; we stop thinking rationally and begin looking to fight or flee. In these situations, we think in the same way we would if we were seconds away from being hit by a train. We go into survival mode.

When this happens, chances are we’re about to make a bad situation even worse.

My client — who has no training on the topic of EQ — is smart enough to know that he needs to take a break when he is in a conflict and feels the physical changes that take place prior to being emotionally hijacked. He recognizes that those feelings of tunnel vision and tingling hands are going to lead to more problems if he doesn’t “pull the rip cord” and get out of that situation for a moment or two. That’s higher EQ.

EQ is a fascinating topic, and studies have shown that it has more to do with our ability to successfully lead others than does our IQ.

At the Experience this September, my fellow coach and brother Greg Harkavy and I will be leading a great breakout session together on EQ. I look forward to diving deeper into this critically important skill in the weeks ahead.

When you feel the warning signs of low EQ, step back. Take a walk, breathe deep, and regain your composure. You – and those around you — will be glad you did.

Related posts:

1. Understanding DISC
2. Are You Speaking the Same Language?
3. Don’t Ever Take the Easy Way Out

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Last week, I had a day that tested my EQ.  Actually, it began the night before.

I had planned to get to bed early, so I could get plenty of sleep before waking at 4am to catch a 6am flight with my boys.  We were on our way to Jackson Hole, Wyoming to join some of our great friends and teammates for four days of snow fun.

My wife and I got to bed early as planned, and then our phones started to ring at about 10:30pm.  Two hours later, we were on our way to see a family member who needed some urgent council.  It’s a blessing for us to be able to help, but my plan for a restful night was now shot.  By the time I got back to bed, I got maybe an hour of sleep before the alarm went off.

I was in a bit of a fog when our car arrived to take us to the airport.  I travel often enough that I figured I had timed the pick-up just right, but we hit a little fog on the drive in, and our driver actually obeyed the speed limit.  Once we arrived at the airport, we headed over to check in our bags.  We were traveling with our snowboards and lots of gear, so we had to reshuffle our bags to meet the weight requirements.

I was so totally sleep deprived that I hadn’t even looked at my watch.

The gal checking our bags asked when we were scheduled to depart.  When I told her, she freaked out, and yelled at me to check in immediately so we would make the 45 minute cut-off.  The boys kept working on the bags while I hurried to the kiosk.  You guessed it:  by the time I entered our information, we were one minute late.  Now the gate agent was frustrated, the bag weigh-in lady was frustrated, and as I watched my sons repacking our bags it dawned on me that all of my plans for the day were about to unravel.

My emotional state began to change.  If only the driver had driven just a bit faster than my great grandmother.….if only the bag weight police lady would have just let us proceed to the counter.….if the airline was not so cold and heartless as to tell me the computer system could not be overridden.

Blame, blame, blame.….and anger.

About that time, the lessons I’ve learned and taught about EQ kicked in.  I realized that the real “IF” was that if I had just paid more attention to the time, we would have made our flight and I would have been snowboarding in knee deep powder instead of sitting on a much later flight.   As soon as I was able to gain perspective and take responsibility for my misfortune, I was able to treat the ticket agent with respect and kindness instead of immature anger.

I find it fascinating how our minds and emotions can cause us to feel that a so-called crisis — no matter how big or small — is the end of the world.  If you find yourself feeling like this, breathe deep, pray if you are inclined, take a step back and change your thinking from pointing blame to finding solutions.  Once you understand the worst case scenario and create a few solutions, you will be in a much better position to treat those around you as they should be treated, and your stress level will drop immeasurably.

The bottom line is that very rarely are your circumstances as bad as they feel.  I know that by improving my EQ, the quality of my life and those around me improves as well.

There are a few resources that have helped me to better understand Emotional Intelligence.  Lindon Crow, President of Productive Learning and Leisure, has taught me a great deal.  Also, Daniel Goleman’s book Emotional Intelligence:  Why it Can Matter More than IQ is one of the definitive works on the subject.

Here’s to improved perspective,

Related posts:

1. Can You Feel It?
2. Are You Speaking the Same Language?
3. Don’t Ever Take the Easy Way Out

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