www.danielharkavy.com » Conflict

Can You Feel It?

Daniel Harkavy — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 17:36:34 +0000

I had a coaching session last week with a client who owns a great company here in the Northwest. Like many business leaders, his natural behavioral style is on the dominant side, which means he is a take-charge kind of guy. For those of you familiar with the DISC behavioral language, he is a High D.

I know this type very, very well.

Studies have shown that there is a correlating emotion for each behavioral style which emerges when that person is frustrated or challenged. For a High D, the emotion is anger.

In this session, my client shared that he feels some very real physical changes when he is being challenged or threatened. What he experienced has everything to do with Emotional Intelligence, or EQ.

The physical sensations he described are tunnel vision and tingling in the hands. Many people also feel shortness of breath, painful tension in the neck or back, and the inability to sit still.

We experience these physical dynamics in the heat of interpersonal battle because when we encounter stressful situations, certain hormones flood our system and impact which part of our brain does the thinking. Studies have shown that our primal thinking takes over; we stop thinking rationally and begin looking to fight or flee. In these situations, we think in the same way we would if we were seconds away from being hit by a train. We go into survival mode.

When this happens, chances are we’re about to make a bad situation even worse.

My client — who has no training on the topic of EQ — is smart enough to know that he needs to take a break when he is in a conflict and feels the physical changes that take place prior to being emotionally hijacked. He recognizes that those feelings of tunnel vision and tingling hands are going to lead to more problems if he doesn’t “pull the rip cord” and get out of that situation for a moment or two. That’s higher EQ.

EQ is a fascinating topic, and studies have shown that it has more to do with our ability to successfully lead others than does our IQ.

At the Experience this September, my fellow coach and brother Greg Harkavy and I will be leading a great breakout session together on EQ. I look forward to diving deeper into this critically important skill in the weeks ahead.

When you feel the warning signs of low EQ, step back. Take a walk, breathe deep, and regain your composure. You – and those around you — will be glad you did.

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Don’t Ever Take the Easy Way Out

Daniel Harkavy — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 21:04:38 +0000

Let me put “the easy way out” in the proper context.

Sometimes we may use email or texting to deliver bad news or disappointment. We take the “easy way out” when we avoid sitting down face to face to work through the conflict.

Another way we avoid conflict is by allowing someone to deliver a difficult message for us, or asking them to act as our peacemaker in a hostile situation. In most cases, we could have prevented the conflict from getting to this stage if we had just taken the initiative to deal with it up front in a caring and truthful way.

Once we send someone else in to do our battle, the odds of reconciliation diminish greatly.

Last week, I was joined by four other Building Champions coaches as we walked a group of clients through a performance model on “Health.” We targeted four aspects of health – emotional, physical, relational, and professional — with the goal of helping them to identify gaps and best practices for each. These four aspects are all inextricably linked — if we take a hit in one of the four, eventually the other three will suffer.

Coach James Allison focused on Relational Health. He said that if we are to protect, improve, and maintain deep and trusting relationships at home and at work, we must master the skill of conflict resolution.

He challenged us to be “Care Fronters,” meaning that we should care as much about the relationship as we do the issue. For the sake of the relationship, we must be willing invest the time to meet with those we have conflict with in order to pursue resolution. No texting or emailing or delegating when it comes to bad news or disappointment.

Don’t ever take “the easy way out.” It will only lead to more conflict in the future.

Personally, I wish I had heard James speak (or read my own blog post) years ago. I know I could have possibly avoided an escalating conflict that I experienced in the past few weeks.

Here’s to never taking the easy way out! The alternative is often a tough, pride-swallowing road…but it leads to stronger relationships.

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Conflict: Friend or Foe?

Daniel Harkavy — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 19:25:01 +0000

This post is dedicated to my friend Patrick Lencioni. His fantastic model for teamwork in his bestselling book The Five Dysfunctions of a Team helped me to better understand the value of conflict. I strongly suggest you read this book.

In The Five Dysfunctions, Patrick says that many teams struggle with the fear of conflict. They do not understand that conflict in the pursuit of truth and improvement is a good thing. They believe it to be mean and bad, instead of loving and beneficial. This struggle exists not only in the workplace, but also in marriages and other close relationships.

If people are not equipped to engage in healthy conflict, then they either fight in unhealthy ways or they hold back their feelings and impede the growth of those around them.

Conflict is a friend when entered into from a position of care and concern, with the desire to see improvement. When a team is equipped with the ability to engage in healthy conflict, they can make better decisions and get even better results.

So what do you believe about conflict?

If you are one who loves conflict and seeks it out for the wrong reasons, counseling can help. Conflict is an enemy when it is entered into with the intent of always winning. This “must win at all costs” mindset can hinder your ability to find truth and improvement, and can make you pretty miserable to be around.

If you are one who avoids conflict at all costs, then I urge you to reconsider. There is a balance, and it has to do with pursuing the best outcomes, even if that means your perspective is not the right perspective. You can enter into conflict more comfortably when you are coming from a position of truly caring for the hearts of those you are going to engage with, and being passionate about finding the best outcomes.

If this comes easily for you, then you can help others around you by modeling healthy conflict. If this something you find challenging, you can start by openly establishing the rules of engagement with your team and those around you. Keep away from personal attacks, and push for healthy conflict in the pursuit of truth and what’s right.

You will see improved thinking, smarter decision making, more buy-in, and healthier relationships.

Here’s to improved debate,

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Is it Really That Bad?

Daniel Harkavy — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 20:14:58 +0000

Over the last few years, I’ve learned more about the concept of Emotional Intelligence, or EQ. Daniel Goleman describes those with a high EQ as having “abilities such as being able to motivate oneself and persist in the face of frustrations; to control impulse and delay gratification; to regulate one’s moods and keep distress from swamping the ability to think; to empathize and to hope.”

Last week, I had a day that tested my EQ. Actually, it began the night before.

I had planned to get to bed early, so I could get plenty of sleep before waking at 4am to catch a 6am flight with my boys. We were on our way to Jackson Hole, Wyoming to join some of our great friends and teammates for four days of snow fun.

My wife and I got to bed early as planned, and then our phones started to ring at about 10:30pm. Two hours later, we were on our way to see a family member who needed some urgent council. It’s a blessing for us to be able to help, but my plan for a restful night was now shot. By the time I got back to bed, I got maybe an hour of sleep before the alarm went off.

I was in a bit of a fog when our car arrived to take us to the airport. I travel often enough that I figured I had timed the pick-up just right, but we hit a little fog on the drive in, and our driver actually obeyed the speed limit. Once we arrived at the airport, we headed over to check in our bags. We were traveling with our snowboards and lots of gear, so we had to reshuffle our bags to meet the weight requirements.

I was so totally sleep deprived that I hadn’t even looked at my watch.

The gal checking our bags asked when we were scheduled to depart. When I told her, she freaked out, and yelled at me to check in immediately so we would make the 45 minute cut-off. The boys kept working on the bags while I hurried to the kiosk. You guessed it: by the time I entered our information, we were one minute late. Now the gate agent was frustrated, the bag weigh-in lady was frustrated, and as I watched my sons repacking our bags it dawned on me that all of my plans for the day were about to unravel.

My emotional state began to change. If only the driver had driven just a bit faster than my great grandmother.….if only the bag weight police lady would have just let us proceed to the counter.….if the airline was not so cold and heartless as to tell me the computer system could not be overridden.

Blame, blame, blame.….and anger.

About that time, the lessons I’ve learned and taught about EQ kicked in. I realized that the real “IF” was that if I had just paid more attention to the time, we would have made our flight and I would have been snowboarding in knee deep powder instead of sitting on a much later flight. As soon as I was able to gain perspective and take responsibility for my misfortune, I was able to treat the ticket agent with respect and kindness instead of immature anger.

I find it fascinating how our minds and emotions can cause us to feel that a so-called crisis — no matter how big or small — is the end of the world. If you find yourself feeling like this, breathe deep, pray if you are inclined, take a step back and change your thinking from pointing blame to finding solutions. Once you understand the worst case scenario and create a few solutions, you will be in a much better position to treat those around you as they should be treated, and your stress level will drop immeasurably.

The bottom line is that very rarely are your circumstances as bad as they feel. I know that by improving my EQ, the quality of my life and those around me improves as well.

There are a few resources that have helped me to better understand Emotional Intelligence. Lindon Crow, President of Productive Learning and Leisure, has taught me a great deal. Also, Daniel Goleman’s book Emotional Intelligence: Why it Can Matter More than IQ is one of the definitive works on the subject.

Here’s to improved perspective,

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Sorry is Not Good Enough

Daniel Harkavy — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 17:01:26 +0000

Here is the situation: a teammate, spouse, friend or child has wronged you. They failed to meet an expectation or — worse yet — they were intentionally uncaring or rude to you. This painful wound causes you to be visibly upset as you confront them on their insensitive or selfish action.

This moment could be a beautiful learning and growing opportunity for you and the culprit….or it could lead to a battle of enormous proportions. You, the victim, confront the offender.

They respond like this:

“Sorry!”

You can’t believe they could be so callused. They just added another stick of dynamite to the stack. Their lack of sincere repentance was the second missile shot to your heart. Hurt, you strike back, and the battle is on.

Extreme? Maybe. But unfortunately this scenario is all too real and all too common.

Compare this response to “I am sorry, will you please forgive me?” Now you are being asked by the offender to take action and accept their apology. By making this request, they have given you the chance to release them. And they have shown that your forgiveness and your feelings are important to them.

The beauty of it is that, when you choose to forgive them, you will both feel better. It has the effect of salve on your wound. “I am sorry” is much more powerful when paired with “Will you forgive me.”

Put this phrase into practice whenever you are the one who falls short or causes the damage. Say you are sorry, and then sincerely ask for forgiveness. By making this a standard in your communication arsenal, you will enjoy more health in your relationships and less hurt and bitterness in your life.

Thank you to my bride Sheri for making this a reality in our home!

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