As part of the process of getting this designation, I have spent time being observed while coaching Master Certified Coaches from the International Coaching Federation. These are people whom I have never met or even talked to prior to the sessions. These have been pretty challenging, and I must confess that I completely botched last week’s session.

The conversation went something like this…

Coachee: “I need to improve my work life balance.”

Daniel: “So, what do you think could be causing some of the challenges you are having with managing your calendar? What I am looking for are some specific examples of causes that you might be experiencing.” (Without giving the poor gal an opportunity to respond, I stacked another question on her.) “What are the top three things that come to mind when thinking of your time management challenges?”

Coachee had to be thinking: “Shut up man and take a breath! You must think I am an idiot, and that your questions are so incredibly profound! And you clearly love the sound of your own voice!”

Of course, that is far from what I thought or intended.

The Master Coach who was observing me laid it out pretty plainly: I was stacking questions.

What this means is that I would ask a question, and before giving my coachee an opportunity to answer, I would ask it another way to make absolute sure that she understood it. The truth of the matter was that I was unsure of where I was going in the coaching session, and I was lacking confidence in my interaction.

So, why do I share such dirt on myself?

I observed this in myself while it was happening. I have also observed it in others when they are presenting to a group, conducting performance reviews, or leading meetings and conference calls.

This often happens when we are unprepared for engagement, and are feeling nervous as a result of our lack of preparation. In the face of so much questioning, the very people we are trying to connect with will often shut down or become defensive — which is the opposite reaction we are hoping to draw out.

Here is the action plan for me and hopefully for anyone else out there who may stack once in a while: know your stuff inside and out! And then, be comfortable allowing the other party in the conversation to have the quiet space to respond or to ask a clarifying question.

Does this help any of you? What I mean is, do any of you find this to be beneficial? Will it help you as a manager or coaching leader?

Let’s stop stacking,

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Like many CEO’s and business leaders today, they are feeling a bit battle-weary. The last three years of economic challenge forced them to make many of the difficult business decisions that many of us faced, including downsizing, cost cutting, and fighting for survival over the short term. Today, they find that they have weathered the worst of the storm, and are now buried with too much business and too much opportunity for their maxed out team.

I know many of you can relate to this story.

In speaking with them today, I noticed that they had stopped doing some of the very things that made them successful during the nine years prior to this economic storm. One of those missing pieces was their weekly team huddle.

As I mentioned in my previous post, How a Big Company Can Feel Small, it is critical for us leaders to communicate during the more challenging times. But this is when most of us feel like communicating least.

During difficult times, we may not be exactly sure what to say. We buy the lie that everybody expects us to have all the answers. The truth is that most of our teammates already know that we don’t have all the answers, and they are hoping that we know that, too!

This group of partners used to have a weekly huddle, and they let that discipline slide. Now, many of them don’t know what is happening in the other departments of this small firm.

One Action Plan I gave to them — and I now share with any of you who need to improve the health of your team — is to have a weekly Monday morning team huddle. Spend 15 to 30 minutes right as the week kicks off to connect, to share victories from the past week, and to discuss what is happening in the week ahead.

The good news for you leaders is that you don’t have to prepare a 16 page presentation. The purpose of the Monday morning huddle is to help your team to be engaged and prepared for the week ahead. Everybody on the team can and should participate. You just need to lead by example, and to facilitate this group action plan.

Your culture and results should improve,

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His name is Jerry Baker.

Over the past 10 years or so, we have enjoyed coaching hundreds of those who served under Jerry’s leadership. These clients have ranged in roles from executives to mid level managers, as well as many of the company’s sales force. What we have seen and heard is that almost everyone in this company really knew and cared for Jerry. And most of them felt that Jerry knew and cared for them.

Many leaders have asked me, “How does he do it? How does he make that big company feel small?” I respond with what I have observed firsthand over the years.

He communicates, communicates, and communicates.

If you were to look at Jerry’s calendar back when he was CEO, you would see that he spent a great deal of time with his teammates – on the phone, one on one, and in group meetings. Each year, Jerry traveled across the country with the rest of his executive team, and called it the East West Tour. They would hold “town hall” style meetings in every region, so that all employees had the opportunity to interface with the leadership team and visa versa.

I’ve heard Jerry say that he thinks the better CEOs spend 25% of their time communicating.

Jerry is also a very good writer, and was incredibly disciplined about sending regular updates on what was happening in the business. In these updates, he encouraged his teammates to do their best and recognized top performers. He regularly wrote for industry publications, sharing his insights and thoughts about how to best succeed in their industry.

So how does a leader make a big company feel small? He communicates, which means he spends a great deal of time asking questions, listening, and then sharing what he sees.

You can learn directly from Coach Baker by reading his blog at www.leadershipfromthetrenches.com

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In The Five Dysfunctions, Patrick says that many teams struggle with the fear of conflict. They do not understand that conflict in the pursuit of truth and improvement is a good thing. They believe it to be mean and bad, instead of loving and beneficial. This struggle exists not only in the workplace, but also in marriages and other close relationships.

If people are not equipped to engage in healthy conflict, then they either fight in unhealthy ways or they hold back their feelings and impede the growth of those around them.

Conflict is a friend when entered into from a position of care and concern, with the desire to see improvement. When a team is equipped with the ability to engage in healthy conflict, they can make better decisions and get even better results.

So what do you believe about conflict?

If you are one who loves conflict and seeks it out for the wrong reasons, counseling can help. Conflict is an enemy when it is entered into with the intent of always winning. This “must win at all costs” mindset can hinder your ability to find truth and improvement, and can make you pretty miserable to be around.

If you are one who avoids conflict at all costs, then I urge you to reconsider. There is a balance, and it has to do with pursuing the best outcomes, even if that means your perspective is not the right perspective. You can enter into conflict more comfortably when you are coming from a position of truly caring for the hearts of those you are going to engage with, and being passionate about finding the best outcomes.

If this comes easily for you, then you can help others around you by modeling healthy conflict. If this something you find challenging, you can start by openly establishing the rules of engagement with your team and those around you. Keep away from personal attacks, and push for healthy conflict in the pursuit of truth and what’s right.

You will see improved thinking, smarter decision making, more buy-in, and healthier relationships.

Here’s to improved debate,

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This is where coaching can truly make a difference.

But how do you get started? What does coaching look like? Here are a few steps you can implement if you’d like to begin a coaching relationship with your team:

1. Identify the 3 to 10 people that you want to invest in further. Invite each of these people to meet with you for 45 minutes every month, above and beyond any regular meetings you have already in place. Call these meetings “coaching sessions.”

2. In each session, ask questions about how they are progressing with their annual plans and the goals that they have established. Check in on the action plans they committed to during previous coaching sessions. Finally, ask how you can help them to succeed with their plans in the month ahead.

3. Write down what you hear. Record their plans and goals so that you can refer back to this information in future coaching sessions. End each session with written action plans that include specific due dates.

4. Follow up and encourage them, both during and outside of your sessions. Set a reminder for yourself in Outlook the day before they are going to give a big presentation or celebrate a special milestone. Acknowledge and encourage with a phone call or email.

Is this an incomplete process? Sure! But even this simple strategy is effective when implemented by a leader who is passionate about seeing those she leads succeed.

You don’t need an elaborate system or masterful communication skills to be a good coach. You do need to schedule the coaching sessions, ask the right questions, and then follow up.

Be on time and be present. Make their agenda your agenda, and watch as you see their hearts grow and their actions improve.

Simple to understand, and challenging to execute.

Here is to making an even greater difference!

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Last week, I had a day that tested my EQ.  Actually, it began the night before.

I had planned to get to bed early, so I could get plenty of sleep before waking at 4am to catch a 6am flight with my boys.  We were on our way to Jackson Hole, Wyoming to join some of our great friends and teammates for four days of snow fun.

My wife and I got to bed early as planned, and then our phones started to ring at about 10:30pm.  Two hours later, we were on our way to see a family member who needed some urgent council.  It’s a blessing for us to be able to help, but my plan for a restful night was now shot.  By the time I got back to bed, I got maybe an hour of sleep before the alarm went off.

I was in a bit of a fog when our car arrived to take us to the airport.  I travel often enough that I figured I had timed the pick-up just right, but we hit a little fog on the drive in, and our driver actually obeyed the speed limit.  Once we arrived at the airport, we headed over to check in our bags.  We were traveling with our snowboards and lots of gear, so we had to reshuffle our bags to meet the weight requirements.

I was so totally sleep deprived that I hadn’t even looked at my watch.

The gal checking our bags asked when we were scheduled to depart.  When I told her, she freaked out, and yelled at me to check in immediately so we would make the 45 minute cut-off.  The boys kept working on the bags while I hurried to the kiosk.  You guessed it:  by the time I entered our information, we were one minute late.  Now the gate agent was frustrated, the bag weigh-in lady was frustrated, and as I watched my sons repacking our bags it dawned on me that all of my plans for the day were about to unravel.

My emotional state began to change.  If only the driver had driven just a bit faster than my great grandmother.….if only the bag weight police lady would have just let us proceed to the counter.….if the airline was not so cold and heartless as to tell me the computer system could not be overridden.

Blame, blame, blame.….and anger.

About that time, the lessons I’ve learned and taught about EQ kicked in.  I realized that the real “IF” was that if I had just paid more attention to the time, we would have made our flight and I would have been snowboarding in knee deep powder instead of sitting on a much later flight.   As soon as I was able to gain perspective and take responsibility for my misfortune, I was able to treat the ticket agent with respect and kindness instead of immature anger.

I find it fascinating how our minds and emotions can cause us to feel that a so-called crisis — no matter how big or small — is the end of the world.  If you find yourself feeling like this, breathe deep, pray if you are inclined, take a step back and change your thinking from pointing blame to finding solutions.  Once you understand the worst case scenario and create a few solutions, you will be in a much better position to treat those around you as they should be treated, and your stress level will drop immeasurably.

The bottom line is that very rarely are your circumstances as bad as they feel.  I know that by improving my EQ, the quality of my life and those around me improves as well.

There are a few resources that have helped me to better understand Emotional Intelligence.  Lindon Crow, President of Productive Learning and Leisure, has taught me a great deal.  Also, Daniel Goleman’s book Emotional Intelligence:  Why it Can Matter More than IQ is one of the definitive works on the subject.

Here’s to improved perspective,

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After an hour and a half, he left, and one of my sons came by.  He is 17, and is finishing up his senior year with some classes at our local community college.  The purpose of our one on one time was to connect and take a look at his plan for the next quarter.  It was an opportunity for me to listen to him and to connect at a deeper level.  I was able to pour into him.

The reason I wanted to share with you about my morning is to challenge you to think about how you will spend your time this year. 

Are you proactively scheduling one on one time with those you care for most?

One on one time is the absolute best way for people to connect, to experience intimacy, to build trust, to share life, to love and support one another, to challenge each other, to affirm each other and to show those around us how much they mean to us.  With our busy schedules, this can be quite challenging, but it is worth it.  I have learned — by observing those who are further down the path than I am — that those who do this tend to have the deepest and the best relationships.

Many of you are already busily filling in the vacant slots on your calendar for this month or even the entire year, and this is one discipline that will pay huge dividends.   These one on one times (or dates, as we call them in our home) should be scheduled first before other things get in the way.

Look at your Life Plan, and make sure your key accounts include the discipline of one on one time with those who are the most important in your life — your spouse, your kids, your close friends, your extended family members.  Then make room in your calendar, and invite them to meet with you.  Make this a non-negotiable discipline so that it becomes a way of life for you.

I know many of you already do this, and do even more to make the time rich and meaningful.  I could learn from you!  Others may want to make this a priority, but don’t know where to begin.  It starts with one date.

I hope this helps you and those you care for,

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We are so very grateful for the dynamics in our home.  Our three teens are truly each other’s best friends, and they all run in one big pack of kids who range in age from 14 to 20.  As a result, our house has become base camp for many of our kids’ friends.

Over the years, Sheri and I have been asked numerous times about how we talk to teenagers.  Now, I want to give one disclaimer right from the start:  we DON’T have it all figured out.  But what we do have are some incredible kids who are pretty open and comfortable talking to us about everything from their dreams and fears to the entire range of peer pressures.

We have also taught teenagers in Sunday school for many years, and have enjoyed walking by their sides during these years.  Many of these kids have shared how hard it is for them to really talk with their parents.  And many parents have said to us, “we just don’t know how to speak teenager.”

If you are a parent who is learning to speak to your teens, or you want to be prepared when your youngsters become teens, my hope is that the following tips will help you.

Tip 1:  Show them you will love them no matter what they do or say.  Your kids have to know that there is nothing they can do that will cause you to stop loving them. This gets communicated continually over time by your words and actions.

Tip 2:  Be consistent.  Your kids need to know who is coming home at the end of the day.  Many kids find it difficult to have real transparent and meaningful conversations if you are moody, silent or hot tempered.  Don’t make them guess whether they’ll be talking to Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde.

Tip 3:  If you have younger kids, start having open and transparent conversations with them now. If you don’t talk to them about real and meaningful things when they are younger, they won’t know how to talk to you about them when they are older.

Tip 4:  Be real with them.  Too many parents fail to tell their kids about their own mistakes.  This causes their children to believe that their parents are perfect, and would never understand what they are dealing with.  Don’t buy the lie that if you tell them you stole, lied, partied, etc… that they will imitate your mistakes.  The key is to let them know how you suffered consequences as a result, and that you want them to avoid these pains.  Be discerning in how and when you tell them about your own challenges as kids, but do tell them.

Tip 5:  Have no fear.  Just enter in and ask your kids what you want to ask them.  Don’t be afraid that they will not want to answer.  Ask them very specific open-ended questions.  Then be present and listen.  Work to understand what they are going through and DON’T react and come down on them if you don’t like the answers.  Then work to identify the underlying heart issues before trying to just change a behavior you might not like.

Tip 6:  Be proactive and intentional with talking to, texting, emailing and dating them.  Schedule daily talk time with them.  Be relentless in reaching out and communicating with them.  I am not suggesting that you smother them or hold them back.  I am saying that you need to pursue them if you are finding communicating with them a challenge.  Dating our kids on a regular basis when they were younger paved the way for comfortable one-on-one time with open dialog as they became teens.

I think the Nike mantra is appropriate for all of us parents of teens with the desire to engage in real and meaningful conversation with them:  Just do it!

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We planned to spend the day working on her soft skills so that she could improve how she interacts with the various behavioral styles within her company and executive team.  One of the more powerful exercises we worked on was to dive deep into the DISC language. 

If you are not familiar with DISC, I provided an overview in last week’s blog, Understanding DISC.

The breakthrough happened with my client when we looked at her assessment in comparison with the assessments of a few of her key team members, including her boss.  The findings showed that she and her boss are wired very similarly (both high D’s) which helped her to understand why they have a tendency to butt heads.  What surprised her was that he is a high I as well.  This means he is more relational than she had thought.

Just by seeing this in writing, she began to recognize that maybe the cause for some of their past arguments wasn’t that he did not like or respect her, but that he wanted her to make time to better connect with him and other members of their team.  He saw her creating great relationships with those outside of the management team, and he wanted her to bring that same warmth within. 

I had dinner with her boss a couple of months later.  He told me that he has seen huge improvements in my client.  He said her progress has been “quite remarkable”.  I love hearing this!  She later let me know that she is enjoying her job much more since our day of coaching earlier this summer.

Some of you may be thinking, “Come on Harkavy, this is the touchy feely soft stuff.”  And yes, it is.  Remember though, that leadership is influence, and we influence people.  Often what takes us from good to great as leaders is simply understanding how others prefer to communicate, and then mastering the ability to connect with each of those we serve.

Here is your Action Plan:  Apply the DISC language within your team.  You may want to schedule a full day of training to help your team understand how DISC can be applied to improve internal communication and relationships with your customers.

Click here to find out how the Building Champions team can set you up with DISC profiles and help you to make the most of this resource.

And now for my confession:  I am a high D and high I as well, and I need to read this and work on it daily in order to better lead those I serve.

Connect and lead well!

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