I am writing this from one of the most beautiful locations I have ever been to. I am at Malibu, which is a Young Life Camp located in Canada in a narrow fjord called Princess Louisa Inlet. The first picture included here shows the beauty of this place. The other is my inspiration for this post.

On Monday, I arrived here with my son Wesley and about 50 young people from our church. We are here to serve the families of US military who have recently returned from deployment in Afghanistan or Iraq. Some have only been back in the states for a few weeks, and this is the first real down time they have had with their wives, husbands and kids.

Re-entry can be very difficult, and my role has been to serve as a small group leader with a few couples. It has been truly rich and wonderful.

Prior to this week, I had no real understanding of the price these young heroic families pay for my freedom. I am embarrassed to admit that I have spent most of my adult life taking them for granted. Nor did I know how I could ever repay them for their service.

Today, I cannot say that I fully grasp the extent of their sacrifice…but I believe I have greater insight as to how we can better serve them. These young husbands and wives need the opportunity to truly unplug together and get reacquainted with each other.

Up here at Malibu, none have cell phone coverage and just a few are granted limited access to the net. There is nothing for them to do other than listen to some very insightful messages, play with each other, and connect. They have time set aside every day when their kids are well cared for and these couples get to hike, boat, eat, nap and just be together.

I have asked several of them what those of us in their communities can do to best help them after they return from war. They said we can help them to connect with each other.

I know that few of you will have the opportunity to invest a week up here at Malibu, but if you know a military family in your community, you can offer to babysit their kids for a night or a weekend. Perhaps you own a timeshare or a vacation home you could offer for a few days. Maybe you could treat them to a gift certificate for a nice dinner out.

One of our soldiers who served in Iraq three times said that having someone else pick up the tab at a restaurant blesses him immensely. And they all appreciate a heartfelt handshake and thank you.

I would like to say thanks to those of you who have served our country, or have family members who have served. Your sacrifice is meaningful and so appreciated!

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One year ago, we also had the privilege of attending their younger son’s wedding. Greg and Dianna have two sons, and now in the last year they have gained two daughters. As Greg asked me the question, he was looking at my four kids who were standing behind us, engrossed in a conversation of their own.

My off-the-cuff response was, “Yeah, I think so.” I have been working hard and playing hard with them, and I think we are getting plenty of time together. But when I woke up this morning, I was still pondering Greg’s question. Am I spending enough time with my kids?

I must admit, I don’t actually know the answer. How much time is enough? Enough time for me to feel like a good father? Enough time so they know beyond the shadow of a doubt how much I love them? Enough time to impart what they need to learn from me to have the best chance of succeeding in life?

Greg asked me this question at a milestone in his life as a father. This was the last of his kids’ weddings. Now both sons have their brides, and Greg and his bride are truly empty nesters.

In that moment, Greg said to me, “It just goes by so fast.” He encouraged me to remember that at moments like this, it is not about what you accomplish at work; it is the quality of your relationships that matter most.

As I reflect on these words in the early morning light, I hear my four kids starting to stir. We have some mountain biking to do today. Thanks to Greg’s question, I also have some assessing to do. My challenge today is to be fully present during our hours together.

Are you spending enough time?

I think Greg’s question can be applied to any relationship in your life. Take a moment to ask yourself that question, and if your answer is “not enough,” don’t wait! Give them a call, set up a date, go home and play, or enjoy of cup of tea with this person — face to face, eye to eye, with no interruptions, today.

Thanks to Greg and Dianna for allowing us to share in this beautiful occasion. And Greg, thanks for caring enough to ask such an important question.

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Sure, there may be room for improvement in those around us. There may even be opportunities to help others grow. But first, we must take responsibility for how WE are thinking and behaving, instead of lamenting over the actions of others.

If I want a better marriage, I have to be a better husband first. If I want my relationship with my kids to get better, I have to be a better father first. If I want a better team or a better company, I have to be a better leader first.

As I type this, I am sitting in an airport after spending the last two days with an awesome group of people who make up the executive team of a national mortgage banking company. I have had the privilege of leading their last two executive retreats, and their team has seen wonderful growth and results.

Today, we went through an exercise that was really valuable for them. They have a long term goal to increase their company’s annual sales by more than 300%. Each of them took time to assess what would need to change in order to lead a company that was doing just 50% more than their current volume.

I asked them each to think about where they would personally need to grow the most. I had them assess their own knowledge, skills, disciplines, systems, team, relationships and thinking to identify where they would have the biggest points of risk or pain.

They spent a significant amount of time alone journaling their thoughts, and then shared their results with each other. Their teammates then spoke into them by affirming, questioning, challenging and adding to what they came up with. It was a time of great transparency and growth.

So what about you?

Do you have aggressive goals and plans for your business or for your life in the years ahead? If so, where do YOU need to grow and improve in order to accomplish what you have set before you?

Don’t sit back and wait for others to take the lead.

Me first!

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When they watched them together, they saw a couple that was gentle with each other, truthful with each other, and caring for each other. They noticed how they looked at each other, and how they held hands.

This old couple had a quirky tradition of leaving notes for each other in the most creative places. They left them under pillows, inside toilet paper rolls, in underwear drawers, in the refrigerator, and just about everywhere else one could imagine.

Each note had the word “SHMILY” written on it. None of the kids had a clue what it meant.

Then, Grandma died, and all of the family gathered at the service to celebrate her life. Grandpa approached the casket, and gave the love of his life her last SHMILY. He then turned and shared the meaning behind this 50 year tradition.

See How Much I Love You.

SHMILY notes took just a few seconds a few times a week, but they made a huge difference over the years that didn’t end with this beautiful couple. They impacted future generations of their family.

And the power of the SHMILY tradition did not stop there. My bride and I embraced it, and we have shared it with many other couples.

Traditions can be a wonderful reminder in our lives of what matters most.

For us, SHMILY has become a meaningful reminder. We have also added YAMBF and YAML.

How about you?

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My family and I spent the last three weeks sightseeing, learning, sunning and surfing our way through this amazing yet challenged country. We were so very fortunate to join my sister, her South African husband and their three wonderful kids on this trip. My brother-in-law Mark was a fantastic tour guide.

Our schedule was action packed. We saw penguins on the beach, visited the Apartheid Museum, hiked through beautiful mountains, went zip lining over rivers, and rode Ostriches. We went on game drives where we saw lions, rhinos, elephants, and wildebeests. We learned a lot about their broken governmental system.

And yes, I finally surfed my dream wave at Jeffrey’s Bay.

The trip was filled with early mornings and late nights as the eleven of us made our way from Cape Town on the Garden Route to the Cape of St. Francis, then up to Pretoria, and finally to the Madikwe Game Reserve.
And now, we six Harks are flying home after this once in a lifetime experience.

While we were there, Mark introduced us to his cousin Kyle. Kyle has built a business taking couples on nature and self realization sails through the waters of Brazil. When he heard of our schedule, he said we needed to fit in some “unstructured down time.” This is a concept that really resonates with our family.

We had planned a wonderful trip that filled us with fantastic memories and a first rate education on everything from the wild animals of Africa to the ramifications of Apartheid.

But it was not a vacation.

As many of you may know, my idea of a vacation usually includes a warm beach, good food, siestas, and lots of surf. South Africa was a new and different type of holiday for us. It was not the type that leaves you rested and rejuvenated. It was the type that leaves you amazed, educated, inspired, and grateful.

To those of you out there whose time away from work usually involves a jam-packed schedule, my advice is to plan for a restful vacation. Fill your days with unstructured down time. Sleep late, listen to the ocean, read a non-business book. Take a vacation, not a trip.

A real vacation can be so wonderful for your health, your family, and your soul. It can also provide you with great opportunities to reflect and create.

For those of you who usually vacation with nothing but unstructured down time, try mixing it up a bit. Go somewhere that is rich in history, beauty, and wonder. Spend time learning about a different culture, a different people, and a different geography. Challenge your assumptions and your way of thinking about the world. Go on a trip.

Trips and vacations are both so good for us.

Yesterday, I was sitting with the host of a Dutch B&B in a quant little village called Hartbeespoort. This man is probably in his 70’s, and has lived a rich life with time spent in several different countries. He said that we as a people have lost our sense of adventure, and traded it in for the desire to be safe and in control. He said we all need cold showers in our lives in order to wake us up and get us out of our routines.

As we enter our summer season here in the states, what kind of cold shower are you going to take? A trip or a vacation?

Either way, I highly recommend it for your overall well-being.

A special thanks to the Goodies for such a rich time!

“Cheers,” as they say in SA,

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We are so very grateful for the dynamics in our home.  Our three teens are truly each other’s best friends, and they all run in one big pack of kids who range in age from 14 to 20.  As a result, our house has become base camp for many of our kids’ friends.

Over the years, Sheri and I have been asked numerous times about how we talk to teenagers.  Now, I want to give one disclaimer right from the start:  we DON’T have it all figured out.  But what we do have are some incredible kids who are pretty open and comfortable talking to us about everything from their dreams and fears to the entire range of peer pressures.

We have also taught teenagers in Sunday school for many years, and have enjoyed walking by their sides during these years.  Many of these kids have shared how hard it is for them to really talk with their parents.  And many parents have said to us, “we just don’t know how to speak teenager.”

If you are a parent who is learning to speak to your teens, or you want to be prepared when your youngsters become teens, my hope is that the following tips will help you.

Tip 1:  Show them you will love them no matter what they do or say.  Your kids have to know that there is nothing they can do that will cause you to stop loving them. This gets communicated continually over time by your words and actions.

Tip 2:  Be consistent.  Your kids need to know who is coming home at the end of the day.  Many kids find it difficult to have real transparent and meaningful conversations if you are moody, silent or hot tempered.  Don’t make them guess whether they’ll be talking to Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde.

Tip 3:  If you have younger kids, start having open and transparent conversations with them now. If you don’t talk to them about real and meaningful things when they are younger, they won’t know how to talk to you about them when they are older.

Tip 4:  Be real with them.  Too many parents fail to tell their kids about their own mistakes.  This causes their children to believe that their parents are perfect, and would never understand what they are dealing with.  Don’t buy the lie that if you tell them you stole, lied, partied, etc… that they will imitate your mistakes.  The key is to let them know how you suffered consequences as a result, and that you want them to avoid these pains.  Be discerning in how and when you tell them about your own challenges as kids, but do tell them.

Tip 5:  Have no fear.  Just enter in and ask your kids what you want to ask them.  Don’t be afraid that they will not want to answer.  Ask them very specific open-ended questions.  Then be present and listen.  Work to understand what they are going through and DON’T react and come down on them if you don’t like the answers.  Then work to identify the underlying heart issues before trying to just change a behavior you might not like.

Tip 6:  Be proactive and intentional with talking to, texting, emailing and dating them.  Schedule daily talk time with them.  Be relentless in reaching out and communicating with them.  I am not suggesting that you smother them or hold them back.  I am saying that you need to pursue them if you are finding communicating with them a challenge.  Dating our kids on a regular basis when they were younger paved the way for comfortable one-on-one time with open dialog as they became teens.

I think the Nike mantra is appropriate for all of us parents of teens with the desire to engage in real and meaningful conversation with them:  Just do it!

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