www.danielharkavy.com » Communication

Stacking Questions

Daniel Harkavy — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 14:45:56 +0000

For the past year or so, I have been coached for the purpose of obtaining an Executive Coaching designation that will help Building Champions with some of our corporate and international work. My coach is very gifted, and has been effective in helping me to improve my coaching skills.

As part of the process of getting this designation, I have spent time being observed while coaching Master Certified Coaches from the International Coaching Federation. These are people whom I have never met or even talked to prior to the sessions. These have been pretty challenging, and I must confess that I completely botched last week’s session.

The conversation went something like this…

Coachee: “I need to improve my work life balance.”

Daniel: “So, what do you think could be causing some of the challenges you are having with managing your calendar? What I am looking for are some specific examples of causes that you might be experiencing.” (Without giving the poor gal an opportunity to respond, I stacked another question on her.) “What are the top three things that come to mind when thinking of your time management challenges?”

Coachee had to be thinking: “Shut up man and take a breath! You must think I am an idiot, and that your questions are so incredibly profound! And you clearly love the sound of your own voice!”

Of course, that is far from what I thought or intended.

The Master Coach who was observing me laid it out pretty plainly: I was stacking questions.

What this means is that I would ask a question, and before giving my coachee an opportunity to answer, I would ask it another way to make absolute sure that she understood it. The truth of the matter was that I was unsure of where I was going in the coaching session, and I was lacking confidence in my interaction.

So, why do I share such dirt on myself?

I observed this in myself while it was happening. I have also observed it in others when they are presenting to a group, conducting performance reviews, or leading meetings and conference calls.

This often happens when we are unprepared for engagement, and are feeling nervous as a result of our lack of preparation. In the face of so much questioning, the very people we are trying to connect with will often shut down or become defensive — which is the opposite reaction we are hoping to draw out.

Here is the action plan for me and hopefully for anyone else out there who may stack once in a while: know your stuff inside and out! And then, be comfortable allowing the other party in the conversation to have the quiet space to respond or to ask a clarifying question.

Does this help any of you? What I mean is, do any of you find this to be beneficial? Will it help you as a manager or coaching leader?

Let’s stop stacking,

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Can You Feel It?

Daniel Harkavy — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 17:36:34 +0000

I had a coaching session last week with a client who owns a great company here in the Northwest. Like many business leaders, his natural behavioral style is on the dominant side, which means he is a take-charge kind of guy. For those of you familiar with the DISC behavioral language, he is a High D.

I know this type very, very well.

Studies have shown that there is a correlating emotion for each behavioral style which emerges when that person is frustrated or challenged. For a High D, the emotion is anger.

In this session, my client shared that he feels some very real physical changes when he is being challenged or threatened. What he experienced has everything to do with Emotional Intelligence, or EQ.

The physical sensations he described are tunnel vision and tingling in the hands. Many people also feel shortness of breath, painful tension in the neck or back, and the inability to sit still.

We experience these physical dynamics in the heat of interpersonal battle because when we encounter stressful situations, certain hormones flood our system and impact which part of our brain does the thinking. Studies have shown that our primal thinking takes over; we stop thinking rationally and begin looking to fight or flee. In these situations, we think in the same way we would if we were seconds away from being hit by a train. We go into survival mode.

When this happens, chances are we’re about to make a bad situation even worse.

My client — who has no training on the topic of EQ — is smart enough to know that he needs to take a break when he is in a conflict and feels the physical changes that take place prior to being emotionally hijacked. He recognizes that those feelings of tunnel vision and tingling hands are going to lead to more problems if he doesn’t “pull the rip cord” and get out of that situation for a moment or two. That’s higher EQ.

EQ is a fascinating topic, and studies have shown that it has more to do with our ability to successfully lead others than does our IQ.

At the Experience this September, my fellow coach and brother Greg Harkavy and I will be leading a great breakout session together on EQ. I look forward to diving deeper into this critically important skill in the weeks ahead.

When you feel the warning signs of low EQ, step back. Take a walk, breathe deep, and regain your composure. You – and those around you — will be glad you did.

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Culture

Daniel Harkavy — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 19:39:10 +0000

Daniel shares some observations about successful team culture in this follow-up to his recent post, The Monday Morning Huddle.

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Don’t Ever Take the Easy Way Out

Daniel Harkavy — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 21:04:38 +0000

Let me put “the easy way out” in the proper context.

Sometimes we may use email or texting to deliver bad news or disappointment. We take the “easy way out” when we avoid sitting down face to face to work through the conflict.

Another way we avoid conflict is by allowing someone to deliver a difficult message for us, or asking them to act as our peacemaker in a hostile situation. In most cases, we could have prevented the conflict from getting to this stage if we had just taken the initiative to deal with it up front in a caring and truthful way.

Once we send someone else in to do our battle, the odds of reconciliation diminish greatly.

Last week, I was joined by four other Building Champions coaches as we walked a group of clients through a performance model on “Health.” We targeted four aspects of health – emotional, physical, relational, and professional — with the goal of helping them to identify gaps and best practices for each. These four aspects are all inextricably linked — if we take a hit in one of the four, eventually the other three will suffer.

Coach James Allison focused on Relational Health. He said that if we are to protect, improve, and maintain deep and trusting relationships at home and at work, we must master the skill of conflict resolution.

He challenged us to be “Care Fronters,” meaning that we should care as much about the relationship as we do the issue. For the sake of the relationship, we must be willing invest the time to meet with those we have conflict with in order to pursue resolution. No texting or emailing or delegating when it comes to bad news or disappointment.

Don’t ever take “the easy way out.” It will only lead to more conflict in the future.

Personally, I wish I had heard James speak (or read my own blog post) years ago. I know I could have possibly avoided an escalating conflict that I experienced in the past few weeks.

Here’s to never taking the easy way out! The alternative is often a tough, pride-swallowing road…but it leads to stronger relationships.

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The Monday Morning Huddle

Daniel Harkavy — Fri, 28 May 2010 14:31:21 +0000

I was in a meeting this morning with a few of the partners at a great company here in Portland. The purpose of the meeting was to assess how coaching might help them to improve their culture and their results. They already have a good thing going, and have been the gold standard in their industry for the niche they serve.

Like many CEO’s and business leaders today, they are feeling a bit battle-weary. The last three years of economic challenge forced them to make many of the difficult business decisions that many of us faced, including downsizing, cost cutting, and fighting for survival over the short term. Today, they find that they have weathered the worst of the storm, and are now buried with too much business and too much opportunity for their maxed out team.

I know many of you can relate to this story.

In speaking with them today, I noticed that they had stopped doing some of the very things that made them successful during the nine years prior to this economic storm. One of those missing pieces was their weekly team huddle.

As I mentioned in my previous post, How a Big Company Can Feel Small, it is critical for us leaders to communicate during the more challenging times. But this is when most of us feel like communicating least.

During difficult times, we may not be exactly sure what to say. We buy the lie that everybody expects us to have all the answers. The truth is that most of our teammates already know that we don’t have all the answers, and they are hoping that we know that, too!

This group of partners used to have a weekly huddle, and they let that discipline slide. Now, many of them don’t know what is happening in the other departments of this small firm.

One Action Plan I gave to them — and I now share with any of you who need to improve the health of your team — is to have a weekly Monday morning team huddle. Spend 15 to 30 minutes right as the week kicks off to connect, to share victories from the past week, and to discuss what is happening in the week ahead.

The good news for you leaders is that you don’t have to prepare a 16 page presentation. The purpose of the Monday morning huddle is to help your team to be engaged and prepared for the week ahead. Everybody on the team can and should participate. You just need to lead by example, and to facilitate this group action plan.

Your culture and results should improve,

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Taking the Long View

Daniel Harkavy — Wed, 19 May 2010 15:41:39 +0000

Taking the Long View from Building Champions on Vimeo.

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How a Big Company Can Feel Small

Daniel Harkavy — Wed, 05 May 2010 15:02:16 +0000

For years, I had the privilege of coaching the CEO of a national mortgage company with 6000 employees. He then went on to serve as the CEO of the national bank that owned that mortgage company, where he was responsible for leading and serving the 13,000 team members. And for the last year and a half, I’ve had the pleasure of working side by side with this past client, as he is now a CEO Mentor and Executive Coach here at Building Champions.

His name is Jerry Baker.

Over the past 10 years or so, we have enjoyed coaching hundreds of those who served under Jerry’s leadership. These clients have ranged in roles from executives to mid level managers, as well as many of the company’s sales force. What we have seen and heard is that almost everyone in this company really knew and cared for Jerry. And most of them felt that Jerry knew and cared for them.

Many leaders have asked me, “How does he do it? How does he make that big company feel small?” I respond with what I have observed firsthand over the years.

He communicates, communicates, and communicates.

If you were to look at Jerry’s calendar back when he was CEO, you would see that he spent a great deal of time with his teammates – on the phone, one on one, and in group meetings. Each year, Jerry traveled across the country with the rest of his executive team, and called it the East West Tour. They would hold “town hall” style meetings in every region, so that all employees had the opportunity to interface with the leadership team and visa versa.

I’ve heard Jerry say that he thinks the better CEOs spend 25% of their time communicating.

Jerry is also a very good writer, and was incredibly disciplined about sending regular updates on what was happening in the business. In these updates, he encouraged his teammates to do their best and recognized top performers. He regularly wrote for industry publications, sharing his insights and thoughts about how to best succeed in their industry.

So how does a leader make a big company feel small? He communicates, which means he spends a great deal of time asking questions, listening, and then sharing what he sees.

You can learn directly from Coach Baker by reading his blog at www.leadershipfromthetrenches.com

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Conflict: Friend or Foe?

Daniel Harkavy — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 19:25:01 +0000

This post is dedicated to my friend Patrick Lencioni. His fantastic model for teamwork in his bestselling book The Five Dysfunctions of a Team helped me to better understand the value of conflict. I strongly suggest you read this book.

In The Five Dysfunctions, Patrick says that many teams struggle with the fear of conflict. They do not understand that conflict in the pursuit of truth and improvement is a good thing. They believe it to be mean and bad, instead of loving and beneficial. This struggle exists not only in the workplace, but also in marriages and other close relationships.

If people are not equipped to engage in healthy conflict, then they either fight in unhealthy ways or they hold back their feelings and impede the growth of those around them.

Conflict is a friend when entered into from a position of care and concern, with the desire to see improvement. When a team is equipped with the ability to engage in healthy conflict, they can make better decisions and get even better results.

So what do you believe about conflict?

If you are one who loves conflict and seeks it out for the wrong reasons, counseling can help. Conflict is an enemy when it is entered into with the intent of always winning. This “must win at all costs” mindset can hinder your ability to find truth and improvement, and can make you pretty miserable to be around.

If you are one who avoids conflict at all costs, then I urge you to reconsider. There is a balance, and it has to do with pursuing the best outcomes, even if that means your perspective is not the right perspective. You can enter into conflict more comfortably when you are coming from a position of truly caring for the hearts of those you are going to engage with, and being passionate about finding the best outcomes.

If this comes easily for you, then you can help others around you by modeling healthy conflict. If this something you find challenging, you can start by openly establishing the rules of engagement with your team and those around you. Keep away from personal attacks, and push for healthy conflict in the pursuit of truth and what’s right.

You will see improved thinking, smarter decision making, more buy-in, and healthier relationships.

Here’s to improved debate,

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Is it Really That Bad?

Daniel Harkavy — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 20:14:58 +0000

Over the last few years, I’ve learned more about the concept of Emotional Intelligence, or EQ. Daniel Goleman describes those with a high EQ as having “abilities such as being able to motivate oneself and persist in the face of frustrations; to control impulse and delay gratification; to regulate one’s moods and keep distress from swamping the ability to think; to empathize and to hope.”

Last week, I had a day that tested my EQ. Actually, it began the night before.

I had planned to get to bed early, so I could get plenty of sleep before waking at 4am to catch a 6am flight with my boys. We were on our way to Jackson Hole, Wyoming to join some of our great friends and teammates for four days of snow fun.

My wife and I got to bed early as planned, and then our phones started to ring at about 10:30pm. Two hours later, we were on our way to see a family member who needed some urgent council. It’s a blessing for us to be able to help, but my plan for a restful night was now shot. By the time I got back to bed, I got maybe an hour of sleep before the alarm went off.

I was in a bit of a fog when our car arrived to take us to the airport. I travel often enough that I figured I had timed the pick-up just right, but we hit a little fog on the drive in, and our driver actually obeyed the speed limit. Once we arrived at the airport, we headed over to check in our bags. We were traveling with our snowboards and lots of gear, so we had to reshuffle our bags to meet the weight requirements.

I was so totally sleep deprived that I hadn’t even looked at my watch.

The gal checking our bags asked when we were scheduled to depart. When I told her, she freaked out, and yelled at me to check in immediately so we would make the 45 minute cut-off. The boys kept working on the bags while I hurried to the kiosk. You guessed it: by the time I entered our information, we were one minute late. Now the gate agent was frustrated, the bag weigh-in lady was frustrated, and as I watched my sons repacking our bags it dawned on me that all of my plans for the day were about to unravel.

My emotional state began to change. If only the driver had driven just a bit faster than my great grandmother.….if only the bag weight police lady would have just let us proceed to the counter.….if the airline was not so cold and heartless as to tell me the computer system could not be overridden.

Blame, blame, blame.….and anger.

About that time, the lessons I’ve learned and taught about EQ kicked in. I realized that the real “IF” was that if I had just paid more attention to the time, we would have made our flight and I would have been snowboarding in knee deep powder instead of sitting on a much later flight. As soon as I was able to gain perspective and take responsibility for my misfortune, I was able to treat the ticket agent with respect and kindness instead of immature anger.

I find it fascinating how our minds and emotions can cause us to feel that a so-called crisis — no matter how big or small — is the end of the world. If you find yourself feeling like this, breathe deep, pray if you are inclined, take a step back and change your thinking from pointing blame to finding solutions. Once you understand the worst case scenario and create a few solutions, you will be in a much better position to treat those around you as they should be treated, and your stress level will drop immeasurably.

The bottom line is that very rarely are your circumstances as bad as they feel. I know that by improving my EQ, the quality of my life and those around me improves as well.

There are a few resources that have helped me to better understand Emotional Intelligence. Lindon Crow, President of Productive Learning and Leisure, has taught me a great deal. Also, Daniel Goleman’s book Emotional Intelligence: Why it Can Matter More than IQ is one of the definitive works on the subject.

Here’s to improved perspective,

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Presents or Presence?

Daniel Harkavy — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 10:19:28 +0000

I think I am starting to fall into the social networking groove. I tweeted earlier today asking those who follow my posts this Leadership and Life Question: What is the most important thing for you to experience or accomplish between now and the year end? I was really asking myself this question, and I thought I would throw it out there for all of you to ponder as well.

So, here is my response: I want to experience pure and complete presence during this Christmas and New Years’ break.

What I want most is to celebrate this very special season by being absolutely present in each and every conversation, and in each and every moment. I am a total mental spaz so this can be very challenging.

I know some of you can relate with me on this. My mind is always going so fast and is filled with so many thoughts and ideas, and shutting it down to just be present can be difficult for me. At the same time, when I am totally in the moment, it feels so good!

No matter what your plans are for the remaining days of this year, my challenge to you and to myself is to give the present of being fully present. This means truly listening, totally engaging and adding value to those we love and those we lead. This is an eye to eye and ear to ear challenge.

I hope this helps you to make some special memories. I wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Until 2010,

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