Over the last few years, I’ve learned more about the concept of Emotional Intelligence, or EQ. Daniel Goleman describes those with a high EQ as having “abilities such as being able to motivate oneself and persist in the face of frustrations; to control impulse and delay gratification; to regulate one’s moods and keep distress from swamping the ability to think; to empathize and to hope.”
Last week, I had a day that tested my EQ. Actually, it began the night before.
I had planned to get to bed early, so I could get plenty of sleep before waking at 4am to catch a 6am flight with my boys. We were on our way to Jackson Hole, Wyoming to join some of our great friends and teammates for four days of snow fun.
My wife and I got to bed early as planned, and then our phones started to ring at about 10:30pm. Two hours later, we were on our way to see a family member who needed some urgent council. It’s a blessing for us to be able to help, but my plan for a restful night was now shot. By the time I got back to bed, I got maybe an hour of sleep before the alarm went off.
I was in a bit of a fog when our car arrived to take us to the airport. I travel often enough that I figured I had timed the pick-up just right, but we hit a little fog on the drive in, and our driver actually obeyed the speed limit. Once we arrived at the airport, we headed over to check in our bags. We were traveling with our snowboards and lots of gear, so we had to reshuffle our bags to meet the weight requirements.
I was so totally sleep deprived that I hadn’t even looked at my watch.
The gal checking our bags asked when we were scheduled to depart. When I told her, she freaked out, and yelled at me to check in immediately so we would make the 45 minute cut-off. The boys kept working on the bags while I hurried to the kiosk. You guessed it: by the time I entered our information, we were one minute late. Now the gate agent was frustrated, the bag weigh-in lady was frustrated, and as I watched my sons repacking our bags it dawned on me that all of my plans for the day were about to unravel.
My emotional state began to change. If only the driver had driven just a bit faster than my great grandmother.….if only the bag weight police lady would have just let us proceed to the counter.….if the airline was not so cold and heartless as to tell me the computer system could not be overridden.
Blame, blame, blame.….and anger.
About that time, the lessons I’ve learned and taught about EQ kicked in. I realized that the real “IF” was that if I had just paid more attention to the time, we would have made our flight and I would have been snowboarding in knee deep powder instead of sitting on a much later flight. As soon as I was able to gain perspective and take responsibility for my misfortune, I was able to treat the ticket agent with respect and kindness instead of immature anger.
I find it fascinating how our minds and emotions can cause us to feel that a so-called crisis — no matter how big or small — is the end of the world. If you find yourself feeling like this, breathe deep, pray if you are inclined, take a step back and change your thinking from pointing blame to finding solutions. Once you understand the worst case scenario and create a few solutions, you will be in a much better position to treat those around you as they should be treated, and your stress level will drop immeasurably.
The bottom line is that very rarely are your circumstances as bad as they feel. I know that by improving my EQ, the quality of my life and those around me improves as well.
There are a few resources that have helped me to better understand Emotional Intelligence. Lindon Crow, President of Productive Learning and Leisure, has taught me a great deal. Also, Daniel Goleman’s book Emotional Intelligence: Why it Can Matter More than IQ is one of the definitive works on the subject.
Here’s to improved perspective,
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Tags: Behavior, Communication, Conflict, Emotional Intelligence, Self Development
