My bride and I have been married for 21 years, and she is my best friend and life partner. We have four teenagers, ages 19, 17, 15 and 6. My 6 year-old is being raised a bit different than our first three were: she is growing up in a house full of teenagers. This means we’ve replaced Barney and Veggie Tales with Napoleon Dynamite and Nacho Libre.
We are so very grateful for the dynamics in our home. Our three teens are truly each other’s best friends, and they all run in one big pack of kids who range in age from 14 to 20. As a result, our house has become base camp for many of our kids’ friends.
Over the years, Sheri and I have been asked numerous times about how we talk to teenagers. Now, I want to give one disclaimer right from the start: we DON’T have it all figured out. But what we do have are some incredible kids who are pretty open and comfortable talking to us about everything from their dreams and fears to the entire range of peer pressures.
We have also taught teenagers in Sunday school for many years, and have enjoyed walking by their sides during these years. Many of these kids have shared how hard it is for them to really talk with their parents. And many parents have said to us, “we just don’t know how to speak teenager.”
If you are a parent who is learning to speak to your teens, or you want to be prepared when your youngsters become teens, my hope is that the following tips will help you.
Tip 1: Show them you will love them no matter what they do or say. Your kids have to know that there is nothing they can do that will cause you to stop loving them. This gets communicated continually over time by your words and actions.
Tip 2: Be consistent. Your kids need to know who is coming home at the end of the day. Many kids find it difficult to have real transparent and meaningful conversations if you are moody, silent or hot tempered. Don’t make them guess whether they’ll be talking to Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde.
Tip 3: If you have younger kids, start having open and transparent conversations with them now. If you don’t talk to them about real and meaningful things when they are younger, they won’t know how to talk to you about them when they are older.
Tip 4: Be real with them. Too many parents fail to tell their kids about their own mistakes. This causes their children to believe that their parents are perfect, and would never understand what they are dealing with. Don’t buy the lie that if you tell them you stole, lied, partied, etc… that they will imitate your mistakes. The key is to let them know how you suffered consequences as a result, and that you want them to avoid these pains. Be discerning in how and when you tell them about your own challenges as kids, but do tell them.
Tip 5: Have no fear. Just enter in and ask your kids what you want to ask them. Don’t be afraid that they will not want to answer. Ask them very specific open-ended questions. Then be present and listen. Work to understand what they are going through and DON’T react and come down on them if you don’t like the answers. Then work to identify the underlying heart issues before trying to just change a behavior you might not like.
Tip 6: Be proactive and intentional with talking to, texting, emailing and dating them. Schedule daily talk time with them. Be relentless in reaching out and communicating with them. I am not suggesting that you smother them or hold them back. I am saying that you need to pursue them if you are finding communicating with them a challenge. Dating our kids on a regular basis when they were younger paved the way for comfortable one-on-one time with open dialog as they became teens.
I think the Nike mantra is appropriate for all of us parents of teens with the desire to engage in real and meaningful conversation with them: Just do it!
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Tags: Communication, Parenting, Teenagers
Oh wise one! I especially like number 5. Have no fear — Just ask!! I have 2 great, intelligent, healthy, active boys (13 & 10)and I am blessed. We had been doing the 1-on-1 nights after the first BC Experience that you had suggested then and that consistency has fallen off a bit. I commit to getting back to those in 2010. Since my 13-year old now has a phone and an iTouch, we get to communicate more that way, also!! Thanks for sharing, Daniel
Great to read John. Keep pursuing them!
Thanks for this post Daniel. Great insight for a dad to be.
My pleasure Ryan. You are going to be an awesome dad!
nice share, good article, very usefull for me…thank you